Avoiding difficult conversations rarely makes them any less difficult. If there has been a missed deadline, unclear ownership or frequent interruptions, these can continue to impact upon your work whilst you wait for the perfect opportunity. You do not need a perfect script. You need a specific objective, an accurate account of the issue and a realistic action to follow.
This guidance is aimed at everyday work issues and feedback. It does not require you to confront someone who is harassing or threatening you. For issues around discrimination, employment or safety it is important to use appropriate support and check available local procedures.
What is the goal of the conversation?
Write one sentence describing what you would like to achieve from the conversation. For example, “Agree who is responsible for the final review” rather than “Make them understand how annoyed I am.” Your feelings are important but an objective will help to translate these feelings into something that can be responded to by the other person.
Define what is and is not up for negotiation. For example, you may need a reliable handover while remaining flexible about its format or timing. Be able to distinguish between what you would like and what you need. This will also allow for an alternative that meets the need.
Use observations not assumptions
State something that can be verified by someone else. “The last two files arrived after our agreed time for review” is an observation. “You do not value my time” is a judgement of motive. Start with the observation and then follow this with the impact of that observation.
Provide two or three examples that are relevant to the issue rather than every complaint you can think of. Make sure the dates and agreements are accurate. If the original agreement was unclear then state this rather than presenting an assumption as a promise.
Set a fitting environment
Request time to have a conversation in private. Criticism in front of others often makes a conversation more difficult. For example, you could say “Could we set aside 20 minutes to work out how we can improve the handover?”
For remote working it is important to choose an appropriate communication method that takes into account the level of access and the level of complexity of the issue. A short email may be best to deal with a factual issue. For more contentious issues it may be more useful to have a conversation followed by a written record. Take into account language barriers and allow the other person time to prepare.
Use a four-part introduction
Start your introduction with an observation, then impact, then perspective and then a request:
- Observation: “The last two files arrived after our agreed time for review.”
- Impact: “This has meant less time to review the files and has delayed the following stage.”
- Perspective: “What is affecting the handover?”
- Request: “Can we agree a time for the handover and an early warning if the file is at risk of being late?”
Try to keep your introduction short. The objective is not to present an argument that makes responding to your request difficult. It is to start a conversation. It is possible to be both respectful and direct.
Listen for information that changes the situation
The other person may have been given conflicting targets, they may have misunderstood the requirement or they may be waiting for information from you. This does not mean disregarding your issue. It does however allow you to find a response that deals with the actual issue.
Summarise the information you have received. “It sounds as though the data arrives too late for the file deadline. Have I got this correct?” Then describe what still needs to be resolved. If an event is disagreed upon then focus on the records available and what needs to be arranged moving forward.
Respond to defensiveness without escalating
If the conversation turns personal then switch back to the issue at hand. “I am not questioning your commitment. I want us to make this process reliable.” If the other person raises a further issue then acknowledge this and decide whether to address this issue at this time or whether another conversation is required.
If you are feeling overwhelmed then pause and say “I would like to continue this conversation constructively. Perhaps we could take a short break and then return to the handover issue?” A pause can be appropriate if it is followed by a plan to return to the conversation. It is not necessary for you to continue in a conversation that becomes unsafe or abusive.
Agree actions that can be completed
“Communicate better” is too vague. Agree who will do what, by when and how success will be measured. For example, the file owner indicates any delay by midday; the reviewer acknowledges receipt; and both review the process two weeks later.
Consider what support the action may require. A colleague cannot increase their speed indefinitely in order to solve a capacity problem. A manager may be able to help by clarifying priorities or altering the deadline.
Follow up briefly and factually
Send a factual, neutral summary via your normal working communication. For example, “Thanks for having this conversation. We agreed X by Y with Z if the timing changes. We will review it on…” Invite corrections. Do not add any new accusations that were not raised during the conversation.
If an agreement is not being followed then keep records of this and follow the appropriate escalation route. Employment protections, confidentiality and formal processes can vary between locations. Seek appropriate local advice if required.
Your next steps
Prior to the conversation, define your objective and then write a four-sentence opening. Practise reading this out once and then select one question that you would like answered by the other person.
If you would like help with speaking up then read building confidence at work. If you would like to gain a wider understanding of the skills behind constructive disagreement then explore transferable professional skills.
